A Puzzling Attraction
I really admire (and benefit from!) creators who are willing to share their failures and missteps. In that spirit, I thought I’d share a recent submission for a writing competition, in which I was randomly assigned the task of writing 1000 words or less in the romance genre, using a waterslide, and a yoga studio. Not having ever read or written a romance novel, I did my best.
I’ve participated in this particular competition several times, and I’ve always found the feedback useful. I wasn’t interested in drafting multiple revisions of this story, but under different circumstances, wouldn’t have hesitated to incorporate this feedback. I have included it below the story, so you can draw your own conclusions.
Here is “A Puzzling Attraction”. Thanks!
We shuffled up one step. I was “on deck”, my mind a flurry.
shouldidoatrick? canyoudotricksonwaterslides? theywon’tlikethat willthatfreakherout? who’sthatguy? screwittime’sup
The light turned green. I chucked a deuce at the gorgeous woman fidgeting with her room key behind me. “Peace, I’m out,” I said, but my tongue twisted the words into, “Pee-outty!” I tripped, and fell backwards onto the slide. The look on her face said, “Don’t wait for me.”
I emerged, sputtering, from the pool at the bottom, reprimanded by a teenage lifeguard. Recovering on the grass with the kids in lifejackets, I tried not to look like I was waiting for someone.
The woman glided from the chute. I swear she rotated in mid-air, and somehow evinced an Olympic dive. She climbed the steps to the grass, then turned, awaiting the Latino silver fox from behind her in line. He’s probably rich. They shared a laugh (funny, too?), a few words (”yoga class”) and walked off, arm-in-gargantuan-arm.
“Excuse me,” someone said. “Your friends left this behind.” It was the slide attendant, holding a room key.
“Oh, thanks,” I said, no clue what to do with it. Then it hit me. “Is there yoga at the resort?”
“Uttanasana,” said the instructor, bending at the hips.
The yoga studio was refreshing after the heat of the waterpark. And since they were the only people in class, the instructor didn’t mind Ana’s compulsive chatter.
She focused on her breathing. She’d only started yoga a month ago. Her developing strength and discipline made her more confident, and she wasn’t about to spend her vacation quiet.
“See, you’re good at this,” Ana said, watching Julio effortlessly assume each pose. He resisted change as a general rule, so when he didn’t reject the yoga option outright, Ana signed them up for the whole week.
“Why do you like this again?” said Julio, palming the floor.
“Because, I can just focus on me, without any honking, or cat-calling. Did you see my exposé on that corruption case last week? Seventeen takes to film a huge development, all because of drive-bys on Castroville.”
They chatted like that throughout the session. Quality time, to Ana.
When they left, someone was waiting outside. Ana recognized him as the earnest guy from the waterslide. Julio glowered.
“Hi!” said the guy. He looked cautiously at Julio, and held out a room key. “Is this yours?”
“That’s mine!” Ana snatched it. “Separate rooms. It was my only condition.” Ana laughed, a brilliant clave. “Thank you ... ?”
“Marquis.”
“Marquis,” Ana repeated.
“Ana, Querida, we’re late for dinner,” said Julio, eyeing Marquis. “And you have a gin martini with your name on it.”
Ana smiled. “See you around,” she said, grasping Julio’s arm. She walked away, contemplating Marquis, and cherishing her father, who knew her favorite drink.
I woke up early, my brain working the puzzle of “The Specimen” (my name for him) without me. That’s all detective work is, a big puzzle. That’s probably why I like it.
Ana’s finger was ringless. Available? She and The Specimen had separate rooms. Low commitment. They were wearing yoga clothes. Prepared.
I had one night left. Nothing to lose.
I registered for the last spot in the 3 PM class they took yesterday. Even if they’re together, maybe she’ll be alone today?
I checked my list every hour. Clothes. Yoga mat. Okay, it was a short list. I’m a 28-year old man on vacation. I have gym shorts to spare. I couldn’t afford the mats in the resort shops, but I had an idea.
I made a quick detour by the waterpark, and arrived at the studio just before the previous class ended. Ana was already there. The Specimen, too, all military-grade posture.
I waved, wondering if he suspected my coup d’état. If so, it didn’t show. Hubris.
“Marquis!” Ana pointed to the blue mat in my hands. “What’s that?”
“Oh, this? My yoga mat,” I said, covering chew marks on the corner. “Where’s yours?”
“They have them here,” she said, stifling a smile. The Specimen turned away, obviously laughing.
Nothing to lose, I thought at The Specimen. The game is afoot.
The door opened. Some elementary yogis departed, but the class remained mostly full. There were three adjacent spaces in the back. Perfect. I swapped my mat for a real one, and placed it on the floor next to Ana and The Specimen. May the best man win.
The instructor began.
Cat-Cow. Nice.
Child. Easy.
Downward-facing Dog. My old hound certainly can’t do this.
I glanced over Ana at The Specimen. We locked eyes. He was unperturbed, like the surface of a pond no one’s seen. So be it. If he wouldn’t crack, neither would I.
The instructor must have grown bored, because she took things, “up a notch.”
Through it all, Ana was a marvel, floating from form to form, bringing new insight to each. Tiny beads of sweat on her forehead gave her skin the effect of glazed terracotta.
Tree Pose. I began to shake. You’re not the guy.
Dancer’s Pose. Where is he getting all this energy?
Eagle. I’m definitely not doing this right.
Boat. The Specimen looked at me and flexed, mid-pose.
It was too much. I fell, frustrated, yelling the only thing that made any sense.
“PEE OUTTY!”
Ana collapsed, laughing. I laughed too. So did everyone else.
Eventually, class resumed, but I’d shot my shot. I grabbed the blue mat and left.
I started walking, wondering whether the waterpark would charge me for the mat. Someone called my name.
“You’re leaving?” It was Ana. And The Specimen.
I shrugged. “There’s a 3000-piece puzzle back in the lobby with my name on it.”
“Puzzle?” said Ana, eyebrows raised.
The Specimen coughed. “Ana, the walking tour starts in about an hour. You know your mother doesn’t like to be late. Will you be joining us?”
Ana looked at me, and smiled. “Not tonight, Papi.”
The Specimen kissed Ana on the cheek, and walked away flexing.
Feedback Received
This feedback has been reorganized for clarity, but all statements are otherwise exactly as received.
Judge #1
The physical comedy elements are well described, rooting the reader in the scene. Marquis’s tongue-tied flubs coordinate with his physical comedy, balancing the romance and comedy aspects of the genre.
Marquis’ point of view sections are in first person, while Ana’s are in third person limited. What would change about the story if the point of views were consistent? If it were all third-person limited, or third person omniscient, the reader could still know ahead of time that The Specimen is Ana’s dad while it would remain a surprise for Marquis. Conversely, if it were all in first person and the section with Ana and her dad were omitted in place of more Marquis narration, the twist would be a surprise for both the reader and Marquis. Which outcome would best serve the story? Which point of view best conveys the story you’re telling?
Judge #2
There are some interesting lines that help to build character, especially in Marquis’ shared thoughts. The lines when Marquis first wakes up the day after he saw Ana for the first time is a good example of this. Using first person point of view here was a strong choice. Marquis is such a character, and we learn so much about the details from him, without it feeling heavy-handed or full of “telling.” The twist at the end works very well. It’s fun for the reader to see Marquis’ immediate reaction, opening up possibilities for him and Ana. and making it okay that Marquis has been trying to pursue her. Bringing them back to the water slide with the matt and the exclamation is great.
The “separate rooms” line is funny, but a little strange, once the reader knows that Ana is there with both of her parents. The “mind in a flurry” language works well, with respect to showing the reader the protagonist’s state of mind, but it’s also a little difficult to interpret, and some readers may be confused by it. It can be a tough sell for some readers to get on board with a protagonist who’s trying to break up a couple, especially if he just met them. Having said that, it can be done. Here, the twist for Marquis changes everything, but perhaps even before that, Marquis could show that he feels guilty about it.
Judge #3
I liked the “showdown” yoga class scene at the end, and the way you wrote it as if you were responding to a suspense prompt. The Italicized part in particular put me in the shoes of your narrator in a way that way playful and fun to read.
I feel like “The Specimen” needs more context. It’s not clear to me why he obtains this specific name—in wha way in he a specimen?—and perhaps you could revisit your characterization of him and/or choose a new name that better represents his demeanor.